Celebrity Apprentice

The Apprentice is one of those shows that I get excited about watching no matter how good or bad it happens to be that season. I've seen every episode of Survivor, ever. I'm pretty sure I've also seen every episode of The Apprentice.

Which is why, when I heard this season's incarnation of The Donald's Apprentice was going to be celebritized - celebreality style - I was very excited. Then, when I found out that my favorite person in the world - 2004 US Olympic Gold Medal softball pitcher and 2003 ESPN Hottest Female Athlete - Jenny Finch, was going to be a contestant, I started a calendar style countdown.

The countdown came to an end last night with the season premiere of the 7th season of the Apprentice on NBC. Despite plummeting ratings and viewers, and even a cancellation along the way, this season still went ahead as planned, and I'm probably one of the few people that is thrilled about it. Instead of getting a job in Trump Org., the winner will get to donate a lot of money to charity or something, despite the fact that they have a shitload of money on their own and can donate a lot to it anyway. Alas, the show was getting pretty boring and formulaic, so the celebrity aspect was certainly a welcome change. Rounding out the all-star celebrity cast after the jump:

Women's team "Empresario" -
Tiffany Fallon - Former Miss Georgia and 2005 Playboy Playmate of the year
Carol Alt - one of the first supermodels, now like 70 years old or something
Nadia Comaneci - 5 time Olympic Gymnastics Gold Medalist
Nely Galan - Telemundo TV executive and Entrepreneur and token Latina.
Marilu Henner - Author and former TV star of Taxi
Omarosa - Famous for being on "The Apprentice" and being hated by everyone

Men's team "Hydra" -
Trace Adkins - Country Music Star
Stephen Baldwin - Actor and born-again evangelical missionary/converter/preacher/etc.
Lennox Lewis - Heavyweight-Boxing Champion
Piers Morgan - Tabloid Editor and "America's Got Talent" Judge
Tito Ortiz - Ultimate Fighting Champion
Gene Simmons - KISS Frontman/Asshole Extroadinaire
Vincent Pastore - Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero on the Sopranos, amongst other roles

If anything stood out right away on this show, it was that the Men's team Hydra (Wasn't the Hydra female?) is about 100 times more famous than the Women's team Empresario (Spanish for Entrepeneur/Businessperson.) I mean, i'm talking A-list celebs like Simmons, Lewis, and Baldwin, against washed up actresses and Omarosa. Omarosa? A celebrity? The best part about this episode was simply watching this nobody Omarosa, who even failed miserably on her first Apprentice try, boss around people who don't give people like her a second thought while walking down the sidewalk.

This week's challenge was selling hotdogs on the street in NYC. Whoever sold more money in hot dogs won the challenge. Simple enough. Stephen Baldwin stepped up as PM (Project Manager) for Hydra. And Omarosa, eager to prove to Trump she's worth a damn, volunteered as PM for Empresario.

In previous seasons, this type of challenge would be all about location, location, location. And signage. And price points. And advertising, packaging, marketing, bundling, tie-ins, promotions, and any other business buzzword you can think of. A bunch of business nobody's would put their book smarts to the test and try to outsell each other on the streets of New York.

Not so this year. Trump suggested that the average price for a hot dog is about $1 at a New York hot dog cart. This team of rich celebrties started out thinking about things like location, marketing, and promotions. How could they sell the most hot dogs? Maybe raise the price to $5? Maybe we can wear flashy hats! In the greatest scene of the show (perhaps of all of the Apprentice) while this business school discussion was going on around him, Gene Simmons silently opens his cell phone and places a call that goes as follows: "Hello friend. Will you hop on a plane to New York tomorrow, and come buy an expensive hot dog for charity? $5,000? Great, thanks."

And just like that, the show changed. Celebs were calling all their other celeb friends, soliciting donations in the name of charity. They were charging $100 bucks for a hot dog, and a picture with the Playmate of the Year. (I might have paid that for a picture with Jenny Finch.) Rich New Yorkers were forking over the cash like it was monopoly money. Mayor Bloomberg showed up to buy a hot dog. Tito Ortiz's girlfriend Jenna Jameson showed up. Mets Third-basemen David Wright showed up and bought the whole cart for like $10,000.

In the end, with the help of Gene Simmons and the likes of Jenna Jameson, Lennox Lewis, Tito Ortiz, Baldwin, Bloomberg, and Big Pussy on the NY Streets and numerous $5,000 donations, the men wound up winning like $57,000 to $15,000 or something. A drubbing. (All the money goes to the winning PM's charity. A nice touch. Baldwin donated it to his mom's breast cancer charity. Said Trump to Baldwin: "I met your mom. I know her. She's a very nice woman." Thanks Trump.)

And so, the Celebrity Apprentice is in fact about being a celebrity. Not about selling hot dogs. It is about your contacts, and how rich they are. It is about who wants to take a picture with you, and how recognizable you are. In the end, Trump fired Playmate of the Year Tiffany Fallon for failing to call Hugh "The Hef" Hefner and solicit a donation. Apparently Hef is "a good friend" of Trump's and would have even donated "$100,000" according to the Trump. Because he's "a good friend." Gene Simmons makes this show worth watching, btw.

The worst part about this show is that Jenny Finch hardly got any airtime. I don't think she even opened her mouth all show. Sadness.