American Gladiators

Dear Writers: Please come back. We need you.

2 months into the Writers Guild strike and this is what television has come to: A remake of American Gladiators. When it went off the air like 13 years ago I never thought I'd live to see the day it came back. This is the show I grew up with. I grew up playing Assault in my basement (much to my Mom's dismay) with rolled up socks, overturned furniture, and every Nerf toy and accessory I had to my name. We played Powerball in gym class. And now, after many long years, its back. And on NBC Primetime nonetheless. Talk about desperate for programming.

NBC's version was, how do I say, amazingly awesomely bad. It was one of those "it was so bad it was good" deals. Now, Gladiators is engrained in my memory. I still watch the old version on ESPN Classic on a regular basis. Watching NBC's version tonight was like watching a bad house band cover one of your favorite singers greatest hits: it was familiar, and you could sing along, yet there was something really off about it. That said, I will be tuning in tomorrow night.

It was weird. With Hulk Hogan as the host, it almost had a WWE quality to it from the outset. Fake in many ways, yet still trying to be authentic. The events were real, people really got injured, and yet I couldn't help feeling that the whole show was scripted, or rehearsed. Every contestant had prepared one-liners and never stammered for words. The Gladiators had their catch phrases well prepared. All of the dialogue was totally cringe-inducing.

The first contestant's human-interest story included something about a divorce, and then having to sell toilet paper. Then she went and got herself hurt in the very first event of the new Gladiators. Ouch...God can really pile it on. At least she had a positive attitude about being out of the competition: "There's always next season." Sorry honey, no there isn't.


The other contestants came from varied walks of life. One guy had gotten the call to try out back for the original version, but missed his tryout due to a traffic jam. They really played that up. He talked a lot of trash during the show, but wound up crying his eyes out at the end. I hate men that cry.

There was also a tiny Asian nerd who was more ripped than I will ever hope to be in my life. Full of energy, but his one liner's weren't quite as polished. Staying in the Asian demographic, there were also a doctor who provided us with the quote of the night: "Just like I did in med school, i'm going straight to the top!" The only thing that could have saved this show's dialogue was if it in fact happened to be dubbed to English from Japanese.

Also, what's with the fat-ass referee? He was like the most unfit person in the whole arena. He was also an a-hole. His shining moment though came when he yelled at some dude for "Giving him the business!"

In one of the most painfully lame aspects of the show, whenever a contestant fell into the water, they would play a lame version of songs like "Another one bites the dust" and "Hey Hey Hey Goodbye" while the crowd sang along unenthusiastically and gave the thumbs down sign (harkening back to true Roman Gladiatorial tradition I'm sure. At least this show knows where its roots lie.) Meanwhile, everyone in the crowd had posters that looked exactly the same, so i'm sure they handed them out at the door. (Taking a further lesson from WWE).

As for the Gladiators, they are hit and miss:
Crush is hot. I mean, really hot. Like, the hottest Gladiator they've ever had. Worth watching it for her.
My roommate would argue that Hellga, however, is the hottest. Hellga, the viking-esque 6'1" 200lb brings a world of hurt, although she didn't do so well in her events.
Wolf is the scariest sonofabitch i've ever seen. Someone needs to tell this guy it is just a show. He howls a lot, like you would expect a man named wolf to do. The man looks like "he hasn't had a shower since he was pulled out of his cave" according to one contestant.

Justice, who "Serves up Justice" is like 7' tall and weighs 300lbs. This dude is sca-ry. I think his only event was shooting tennis balls in Assault, because, as my friend pointed out, were he to actually hit someone he may just actually cause their death.

Fury seemed to be pretty skilled, and one of the best all around Gladiators. NBC claims that "Hell hath no fury like....Fury." Yes, the writers are on strike. She has this "signature move" on Hang-Tough were she like wraps her legs around your waist and hangs upside down. Very hot. According to the announcer, she was using "her Gladiator experience." Yes, because this isn't the first episode or anything.

Toa is like some stereotypical tattooed tribal Maori warrior dude, who seemed sort of authentic, right down to his corny but yet kind of intimidating tribal yells.

One thing that watching the new Gladiators reminds one of is just how lame the actual events were/are. The old favorites were back: Powerball, Joust, The Wall, The Gauntlet, and Assault, among others. They remained surprising unchanged in the "don't mess with a good thing" fashion I suppose. The new events were surprisingly unimaginative. There was Earthquake, which was just wrestling on a tilting platform. Hit and Run, which was dodging large balls while running across a bridge. And Pyramid, in which contestants had to run up a stack of pads, in what is surely the lamest gladiator event ever. I don't think anyone will ever win this one, although there was a lot of sexy groping and rolling involving Crush.

The Eliminator is revamped, and is the best improvement of the show. Unlike the very un-challenging Eliminator of the past, that eliminated no one, this version was a total ass-kicker. Some people couldn't even finish - they lay in agony at the foot of the "Travelator" treadmill. It left a Marine bloodied as she fell into the water. (Quoth the commentator: "That Marine just joined the Navy!" ...never mind the fact that Marines ARE in the Navy.)

The old American Gladiators tread the line carefully between awesomeness and stupidness, but it felt real. There was real heart behind it. This version leaned more towards the spectacle. It was primetime shiny-ness and fakeness, almost like watching the WWE. Despite the shows downfalls, American Gladiators will always find a place on my television, and I will be tuning in tomorrow, for a ridiculous 3rd hour of its premiere.